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DOAGIT Chapter 19


claycormany
(@claycormany)
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The build-up to the climactic spring formal continues. 

One of the problems with writing this story as a "pantser" rather than as a "plotter" is that I've created a number of loose ends. That's the case with Collin's diet that was mentioned in the first couple of chapters but then disappeared until now. I'll need to do some research on what kind of diet would be plausible for an overweight male teenager, and then work it into the story more thoroughly.

I've kept the content of Collin and Winifred's discussion vague to set up the encounter that occurs in the following chapter.

Best to All,

Clay

 


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tomthomin
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Thank you for posting the next chapter. I’ve been looking forward to reading it.

This is a sweet chapter. Leah and Collin seem like they have been together longer. The light touching, her confidence in him, makes their relationship seem very mature.

Collin brings up a thought that I have had before. Leah does not act like one would expect a girl who is being sexually abused. Makes me wonder if a twist is coming.

I really liked how in the gym scene you showed us that Collin is losing weight and getting in better shape. I didn’t care for his shorts falling down though. I figure you are going for a comic scene but Collin has become the hero of this story. Showing him a little klutzy or tongue tied is humorous but that is just too un-heroic. Perhaps have his shorts start to fall but he catches them before they expose his undies.

The ending paragraph was a bit of a letdown. There just wasn’t much there. I was hoping for some more oompf.

All in all a nice chapter.

Some more comments in the attached file.


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Joe.blundo
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Not much happens in this chapter but I understand that you're setting things up for the next one. 

I didn't remember the Collin was dieting but I thought the gym class scene worked anyway. It presents the physical side of his overall transformation -- we've already seen the mental side with his growing confidence.

Having him wonder about Leah's cheerfulness is a good touch, I think. Because all along, I've been wondering the same thing -- she doesn't seem like someone keeping a deep, dark secret. So I can see that something is coming to resolve this contradiction.

A few other comments in the attachment.


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Charles O'Donnell
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Clay, thanks for sharing.

The most interesting part of this chapter is Collin’s transformation from the fat PE washout to something more like the average kid. That’s a nice development. Beyond that, the chapter didn’t really keep my interest. I still feel like the dialog doesn’t sound authentic.
I know you’re saving the Collin-Winifred encounter under wraps, but there needs to be something more at the end to hook the reader. Perhaps a short dialog between them that foreshadows Collin’s plan?

More comments in the attachment.

Keep writing!

Charles


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aglamar
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Hi Clay! I can sense the setup for the formal. A great scene for a climax. Just a few observations about this chapter. I hope they help:

The reference to “the two teens” is the author’s non-YA voice slipping in. I suggest leaving that phrase out. It’s understood by now that the students are teenagers, and it’s not a normal reference of themselves.

The last pages read like a schedule. Would prefer a narrative on how Collin is feeling throughout the day. Not sure if I really need to know his daily school routine, unless it becomes significant later.

Also, a lot of unnecessary names of students that we will probably never get to know. Be less specific…”A couple boys made fun of his colorful shorts…”, rather than always using a name.

Thats it from me, I’m looking forward to the next scene!!

AG


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